This Wanker Loves You
by ana-tom
Summary: So, the reason I'm screaming like a lunatic is on the top of the stairs; can you see her, the bushy haired creature looking confused? Well, she's looking confused now, in this split second that I've frozen in time so I can show you what's going on, but she's going to look positively murderous in about a heartbeat once I press the figurative play button again.


**Author's note: Hi! This is a little something I wrote for my own enjoyment, it's been written in a rush, so there are probably mistakes. Feel free to point them out :D There is a lot of swearing here, as you can see from the first sentence, so don't go on if it offends you, also, there are two songs I mention; blood red shoes- it's getting boring by the sea, and also the black keys- weight of love. They are awesome songs, but you don't have to hear them to understand the story. Thanks for reading :D**

**Also, I'm convinced that WizTech and the M-phone or something similar exists in somebody else's fanfiction, but I can't remember the author, so if you know them tell me, so I can credit, thanks a bunch :D**

''WHO IS HE?! WHO ARE YOU GOING TO SHAG TONIGHT, YOU FUCKING SLAG?''

Okay, let's pause here for a second.

Right, so the person you've just heard screaming their lungs off is me, Scorpius Malfoy. The reason I'm screaming like a lunatic (and I don't do that often, if at all) is on the top of the stairs; can you see her, the bushy haired creature looking confused? Well, she's looking confused now, in this split second that I've frozen in time so I can show you what's going on, but she's going to look positively murderous in about a heartbeat once I press the figurative play button again.

Anyways, you are probably wondering what on earth is going on here, and that is exactly why I've stopped this track for a minute so you can catch up. So, at the moment, we are inside the Head common room at the Hogwarts School for witchcraft and wizardry. It's a cozy little round room, with a huge fireplace and big windows. On each side, there is a staircase that leads to password protected dormitories, one for the head boy and one for the head girl. As you probably realized by now, the only way I could be standing here is if I were the head boy, which I am. And that walking bush looking alarmed over there is Rose, my counterpart, but you could have guessed it, considering that there's a 'head girl's dormitory' sign right above her head.

Now, as I said, the tall blonde chap, standing frozen with a most unfortunate facial expression of a raging bull that has been continuously hit in the nuts is me. I must say, this particular moment I've chosen is mostly unflattering, but oh well.

There isn't that much to know about me. I'm a slytherin, Al's my best friend, I hate Rose, his cousin, my mum and dad are very rich, they are the owners of Wiz-tech, a company that makes all kinds of muggle gadgets that can be used by the magical folk (the makers of the M-phone, hello!?) I'm good at school, I can talk my way out of trouble (I'm head boy and best friends with a Potter, if you're not amazed, you should be), girls generally like me, some say because of my Gringotts account, but I know it's because I'm a hot piece of the cake (cue Rose hitting me with something heavy) and I hope to become a painter (I know it's weird, but I actually am very good at art).

Rose up there is a Weasley, but that's not the reason I hate her. The Weasleys are Al's family and are the most high-profile family in all of wizarding Britain, and beyond. There are literally dozens of them, everywhere, in Hogwarts, in the ministry, in the quidditch teams, nothing can happen without them. I hear there used to be a mutual hatred between the Malfoys and the Weasleys, but I've never experienced that, especially since my dad and Al's uncle George are business partners and can get quite chummy at times, usually when there's alcohol involved at a formal business function.

No, I hate her because firstly, she's incredibly annoying, and secondly, she hates me as well.

I can't even begin to describe why I find her annoying. I hate her whiny, high pitched voice, the way she desperately raises her hand every time a teacher asks a question, the way she scowls at me like she's better than me, the way she never goes to watch quidditch, because she thinks it's a waste of time. Because her uniform is always spotless, her tie in a perfect knot, her skirt the correct length (the only girl in the entire school that wears her skirt well below the knees), because she always wears her hair up, no matter what, and she always has those awful thick glasses that make her look like an owl, although a simple spell at madam Browns could rid her from them for good. Because she's never late anywhere, she's never had a boyfriend, she's got a perfect record of attendance, she's never been caught in a compromising position, nothing! Okay, so I know these may not be very legitimate reasons to hate someone, but trust me, if you were me, you'd get it, she just…gets under my skin in the worst possible way, I don't know.

Rose and I like to fight. Well, I like to tease her and basically make her life miserable and she likes to scream at me for it. It's how we work. I think today's been the first time ever that I've screamed at her, but we'll get to that.

Now, the only way for you to understand why I'm making a fool of myself at present is to let me take you a few hours back…

_Rewind to two hours earlier…_

This is going to be classic! It's going to be so bloody hilarious I'm already laughing. This may be even my finest prank yet.

Currently, I am under Al's invisibility cloak (James has miraculously managed to graduate last year and has given his younger brother the family heirloom for his final year of school, and then Al's lent it to me) and I am climbing the stairs to Rose's dorm room. The last class has just finished, but I know she'll be in the library for at least two more hours, the nerd. My mission is simple, go inside her room, (it has taken me a solid week of eavesdropping to finally acquire the password) leave a timed dung-bomb under her bed and set it to take off in the middle of the night. She'll never see it coming!

Okay, I know my prank isn't very elaborate for a seventh year slytherin, but sometimes the most obvious ones are the most effective, imagine her reaction when she wakes up in the middle of the night, covered in dung, it will be an epic shriekfest!

I entered the room without any problems. It's way tidier than mine, but it was to be expected, Weasley is a robot, not a real person. Now, if I could just put the bomb somewhere under the bed and quickly retreat. The bomb… the bomb, where the hell is it? I check my pockets like an idiot, although I know no one in their right mind would carry a dung-bomb in their pocket. I'm such a moron; I've left my wand and the bomb on the table in my room. Honestly, I call myself smart?! Well, I better go get it.

I turn to the door and reach for the handle, just as it turns and Rose starts to get inside. RED ALARM! RED ALARM! I skip off backwards noisily, but she has headphones on so she doesn't notice. Bless those M-phones! You'd never see someone in Hogwarts wearing those a few years back, but Wiz-tech really made a revolution, everybody's got one these days. Thanks mum and dad! You've just saved your son's life from a violent end. Death by Weasley…ugh, not pretty.

I'm in the far corner now, between her desk and the wall, trying to breathe as quietly as possible and figure out a way to escape. I can't just open the door and go, she'll realize everything in a millisecond and I'd be dead before she could yell 'MALFOY' no thanks, I'll wait it out.

Weasley took the headphones out of the phone and threw them on the bed. Now her music is loudly blaring through the speakers. _Blood Red Shoes_, who knew she had good taste? She took her glasses off and carelessly threw them on the bed, but I couldn't see what she looked like as she had her back turned. I'm almost intrigued, in all my seven years of knowing her; I don't think I've ever seen Weasley without her ugly little jars. She waved her wand around in an elaborate motion and a bunch of bobby pins fell from her hair to the floor. She didn't even bother picking them up! I wonder if this could be blackmail material…

I'll admit it; I did a double take when she turned. I mean, I hate her and all, but Merlin! Since when does Rose have such long, wavy, mermaid sort of hair? I swear, it comfortably reaches her arse, and it looks all shiny and pretty, it's mesmerizing, I feel so weird. I always imagined her hair being a frizzy, afro sort of flaming red mess, but it's just amazing, and the red looks way sexier than it should be allowed. I gulp; did I just call Rose Weasley sexy?

Then I looked at her face. Wow, I definitely thought she was sexy again. Damn it! Those glasses should be burned though. Her eyes are all blue and pretty and her lips are much fuller than I remember. But she's always at least scowling when I see her, so I wouldn't know her normal facial expression.

I'm freaking out! How can Weasley become all hot all of a bloody sudden? It's really annoying and confusing and I HAVE to leave the room immediately. I mean, I should be thinking of her hair covered in dung, not spilled out on my pillowcase or something. Merlin, Merlin, Merlin! I am going to hyperventilate! If only I had my wand on me, I could have left ten times over, confounded her, distracted with something, I don't know. When is she going to leave anyway? Dinner isn't for a couple of hours and I can't be stuck here until then, can I?

_Blood Red Shoes_ were still going strong from the speakers and Rose was now dancing around and singing the lyrics, while loosening her tie. I would have called it embarrassing and ridiculous if I didn't find it cute…what is wrong with me?! She took off her tie and threw it in my direction and I barely managed to dodge it, millimeters were in question! She didn't notice anything unusual and started unbuttoning her shirt.

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. I'm sweating like mental; seriously, this isn't a typical situation for me. I mean, I've had some girlfriends and snogged them and all, but being alone in a room with a girl who's unintentionally stripping isn't really my usual afternoon. I'm still a virgin, for Merlin's sake.

God, I shouldn't be watching this, I'm such a pervert, maybe I'll turn away. There we go; I'm looking at a wall. It's very interesting and such…right…the wall. All right, I can't look away! Sod it all.

The song changed. Something slower and thicker and all…seductive. _The Black keys_, if I'm correct. (_Mental note: find out since when Weasley has superb music taste and who let that happen_). Why? WHY? What curse have I got on me that lets these sorts of things happen? Seriously, what are the chances that I end up in a girl's bedroom, invisible, she is_ stripping _to some hot music and I can't look away. And did I mention she's homicidal and if I move a muscle she'll realize I'm here and rip my eyes out before I can say ''it's not what you think!''

She's got her shirt almost unbuttoned now. I can see her bra and all. It's one of those soft see-through bras that girls with bigger tits can wear. It's black and lacy and hot and I can see her nipples. No need to mention I couldn't breathe for about thirty seconds. She's also got some kind of a necklace with a tiny pendant that falls perfectly between her…lady melons. Somebody avada me…seriously, I'm desperate.

Although I'm slightly dazed and all (can't blame me, really) I'm taken by surprise when she suddenly takes her breasts in her hands, and sort of moves them around, I guess to adjust the bra or something. But her hands are too small and she squeezes and creamy, freckled skin spills over her fingers…did I mention there are freckles everywhere? I ball my hands into fists and lock my jaw not to make a sound. Don't judge me, I'm a seventeen year old boy and there's a bird squeezing her tits in front of me, you'd want to jump her too. As if all that was not enough, in the end she lets out a little dissatisfied sound, like a frustrated huff and then she licks her lips. Ugh…

The little pendant on her necklace comes to view and I'm surprised to find out it's a little angel pendant I've begrudgingly bought her for Christmas that one year we were sort of not enemies (the OWL year, we were study partners) she bought me a cool muggle book about Andy Warhol that I still keep in my trunk. I didn't know she ever wore that thing. It makes me glad…I don't like that feeling.

The blasted song wasn't over yet. I somehow feel that when it's over, I will bear this much easier, but to be honest, I probably won't. This will be a lifelong trauma, I can tell. The redhead that's quickly becoming the bane of my existence has kicked off her shoes and socks and was swaying her hips to the tune, while slowly unzipping her skirt. WHO UNDRESSES LIKE THAT? Can't she be an awful she-whale that kicks of her garments while grunting like the Hulk or something?

The skirt is slowly dropping to the floor, only to reveal an outrageously tiny piece of black lace. I've always taken Rose Weasley to be more of a granny-knickers type of gal. But nothing seems to go my way today. I should have revealed myself before she started undressing, maybe I could have ended up only maimed, not quite dead…now I'll be dead anyway, either from the Weasley wrath or a premature heart attack.

It's been a solid ten minutes since she entered the room, and it's really embarrassing, but I've been painfully hard since she has taken her glasses off, so now it was getting unbearable. My poor prick is in an awfully unnatural position and I have to adjust myself, now. But, that would require moving, and that is risky. The song will end in about twenty seconds, what if she turns it off afterwards? No, I can't wait that long. This may sound funny to you at home, but it's an absolute life or death situation here, besides, it's incredibly unnerving to be fearing for your life and being the most turned on you've ever been in the same time. Okay, this is it! I'm reaching inside my pants, ouch, that hurts, okay just move about… I glance at Weasley and she's still blissfully oblivious. Is this a regular occurrence? Does she always dress like this? Have I spent the last two months of living opposite of her and she's been doing _this_ when she's alone? Merlin, do I need to make the erection problem even worse by thinking this stuff? Okay, I've fixed it. My, this feels better.

Rose appears to be looking for something. Something behind her…aaand she's turned around. For fucks sake! I have to literally stuff my fist in my mouth. I had no idea people actually did that, I always thought it was a wildly exaggerated gesture immature guys made when a hot girl walked past, but seriously, to stop myself from bloody weeping, I had to bite down hard on my fist. Honestly, why does Weasley of all people has to be the hottest thing I've ever seen? If I ever call her fat again, remind me to kick myself hard.

The thing she was looking for was her bag, which was on the floor; she walked to it and bent over…_of-fucking-course she bent over_, a normal girl would crouch, she would sit on the floor, or something equally unladylike, but take it upon Rose bloody Weasley to bend over stuff like a porn star in the privacy of her own dorm room. This isn't fair at all, not even a little bit. I don't need to mention she's got the most perfect looking arse in the universe. I suppose the cheesiest saying of 'it's always the quiet ones' is in order.

She picked up a book from her bag, and threw herself on the bed. Just as I thought I'd get a minute of peace, she started stretching like a well fed cat, with all the little moans and mews and sighs. Please God, if you exist, apparate me away from this room, and this little witch in the bed that is obviously the devil's incarnate, and I promise to always be good. Seriously, I'll never pull a prank again, I'll always answer my mother's letters, all of them!..._moan…sigh_…GOD, hear me out! I'll eat my greens! I'll eat the greens of the entire slytherin house, just Get. Me. Out. Of. Here!

No such luck…I'm an atheist now…

Finally, the little miss I_'m- a-bookworm-and-you-hate-me-but-I'll-become-the-star-of-all-your-wet-dreams-from-now-on _has decided to calm down and read her book, so I could be a little less on edge. There's been some unfortunate boob slippage and finger licking (because she had to put the full bloody finger in her mouth to get it moist enough to turn the page) but almost an hour and a half has passed. I managed to sit on an armchair at some point, because my legs were killing me, and also, my hard-on didn't disappear for a second. I am certain I could permanently harm my reproductive health like this, and I'm sending my healer bills to Weasley…also, my psychiatrist bills.

So, like I said, it's been around an hour and I half, I've been stressed, horny, miserable and sweating during all that time. It's only natural I would dose off…oh yes, ladies and gentleman; I have managed to dose off, in the middle of the enemy's lair. My head was falling every two seconds, it was very stuffy and hot underneath the invisibility cloak, and my head was swimming with Weasley in endless inappropriate positions…

Luckily, her M-phone rang. I jerked awake and frantically looked around, she was still on the bed, unaware of my existence n the room, only now she was putting her book down and reaching for the phone on the cupboard.

''hey Alice'' wow even her voice is sexy '' no, I'm in the dorm, reading something'' there was a pause, and Rose laughed at something ''no, I haven't seen him all day'' she said dreamily, who is _he_?

''Alice! Merlin, I don't know if I can do it!''

There was another pause while Alice was speaking. Do what, Rose, what?

''Yes, I know, but he can be such a prick sometimes, I won't even want to shag him when I see him!''

WHAT?! Shag someone? Not bloody likely! As if I'd let any bloke shag her! I admit, my anger might be a smidge unreasonable, but I don't care, no one's shagging Rose.

''But, what if it's wrong Alice? What if he doesn't want me after all? I mean, I know he won't miraculously fall in love with me or something, but what if he doesn't even want so touch me. Or he does and it ends up awkward!''

Why is she willing to give herself to some prick that doesn't deserve her, I feel the need to scream at her, why would you settle for that. I really need to get this jealousy thing in check, before I end up hitting her on the head with a club and dragging her to my cave. With my current mindset, I wouldn't rule out that possibility completely.

''I know, I know, I've been putting this off too long, I'll just…I don't know just wing it. And you're right, it's not like we've got a friendship to ruin…I'll…I'll go do it Ali! I…wish me luck!''

She ended the call. I was fuming! Ready to strangle her! It appears she is going to go shag a random bloke tonight! Someone she apparently likes or something! She's probably a virgin! Is she for fucking real?! You can't just go around shagging people when you're my…you're mine…what? Why am I thinking this? Honestly, I don't have time to analyze that, I just know she can't shag other blokes.

She jumped out of the bed, doing things fast, so she wouldn't lose her resolve. I was sulking in the corner, debating whether to risk my life and try to stop her or not, but was taken aback when she casually slipped her bra off…I wasn't prepared for it, honestly, so I just sucked a lot of air in and stared. Fuck, she really was perfect…she shrugged a new bra on soon enough, similar to the last one, but presumably clean. She then hastily put on her school skirt and skirt and went to the full-length mirror in the other corner. She raised her wand and took a long breath and started modifying her uniform. She was doing the same thing all other girls did, shortened her skirt considerably and made her shirt way more fitted. I would have appreciated it if I didn't feel sick because it was all for some other guy. She fluffed her hair a bit and waved her wand on her eyes. I wondered for a second what she did until I realized she just cured her eyesight. Just like that! I could have spontaneously combusted on the spot! I was so close of leaping from this stupid armchair, grabbing her shoulders and violently shaking her.

How can this completely amazing witch, who was brilliant enough to do advanced healing just like that, who always had a witty remark, who always had an answer, have so little self-respect to go and jump into bed with someone who obviously doesn't worship the ground she walks on. She doesn't deserve any less than that. I won't bloody allow it.

She looked in the mirror one last time and went to the door. Yes! This is my time to move! I start getting up from the chair…oh no, she's coming back, wait. I sat back down. Rose looked indecisive for a split second and then she reached under her skirt and took her knickers off. She carelessly tossed them on the bed and left the room.

…

…

Fucking hell.

I am sitting here, appalled and petrified.

Is this the same Rose Weasley from just hours ago?

And more importantly, is some dimwit going to find out she's knickerless in a dark corridor somewhere? Not bloody likely.

I dash behind her and she's already crossed half the common room. She's unsurely looking around and then sits on the sofa. What is she doing now? Maybe she's planning to bring her guy here! That's not going to happen, I can assure you.

Despite my incredible and inexplicable anger, I still descend the stairs as quietly as possible; I'm thinking of a way to reveal myself, because I can't hold it in much longer. Just as I reach the couch, her M-phone rings upstairs and she runs to get it. As soon as she disappears behind the door I throw the cloak on the sofa and wait for her to come down.

After one excruciating minute, during which I'm constantly shaking, I see her at the top of the stairs.

''WHO IS HE?! WHO ARE YOU GOING TO SHAG TONIGHT, YOU FUCKING SLAG?''

_Pause again._

See? It's quite dramatic. Now, this is my last comment as the mind of Scorpius Malfoy. You see, this pausing thing was very much like one of those 'life flashes before your eyes' sort of moments. Another reason why I hate Rose Weasley is because she's incredibly smart. That's why it will take her less than a millisecond to figure out how I know she's shagging tonight. When I press that play again, I'll be dead, so this is my goodbye. Tell my parents I love them; tell Albus he cannot have my Nimbus 3001 for any cost! Goodbye, cruel world!

_Press play._

Her eyes narrow and her face turns crimson. She runs down the stairs at ultra speed and is in front of me so fast, I almost think she apparated. ''What did you just say?'' she snarls dangerously low. I stand my ground, but say nothing. Recognition flashes in her eyes. '' Were eavesdropping?'' she asks appalled. I open my mouth to speak, but her eyes dart to something on the sofa. A silvery piece of fabric. The invisibility cloak.

She gasps and puts her hand over her mouth, her eyes wide in shock. ''You were in my room?! For how long?!'' she looks at me, her face very, very red.

''Since you came from the library.'' I utter, avoiding her gaze. There is silence for a few beats. I prepare myself for a curse, my wand is still in my room and I know I deserve it anyway. But nothing comes. I look up and see her staring at me, shocked, but wandless. When she meets my gaze, it breaks her from her reverie and she looks downright murderous. ''Where is my wand?'' she utters and starts maniacally looking around. I realize with a jolt that she's left it on her bed…right next to her knickers. Seems she realizes the same thing at the same time.

''You saw me?'' she asks ''undressing and changing and all that time?'' her hands are in her hair and she looks absolutely mortified. ''I'm sorry'' I try to say, but it comes out like a weird peep. Smooth.

''I'm sorry Weasley'' I say, in a thankfully normal voice '' I came up there to set up a prank but you came back early and there was nothing I could do''

She doesn't appear to have heard me. I was unsure what to do for a couple of moments, but the words have finally sunk in.

''NOTHING YOU COULD DO?! YOU'RE BLOODY SORRY, ARE YOU KIDDING!? I HONESTLY…YOU ARE SOOO LUCKY I DON'T HAVE A WAND RIGHT NOW SCORPIUS MALFOY!''

I opened my mouth to say something but she cut me off ''YOU FRICKING PERVERT PSYCHOPATH, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!''

I again opened my mouth and she again cut me off ''YOU BROKE SO MUCH RULES, I COULD GET YOU EXPELED IN AN INSTANT. ARE YOU BLOODY INSANE, YOU PRICK?!''

Almost every word was accompanied with her fist coming hard on my chest.

I let her at it, ignoring most of her yelling. The only thing that's on my mind is 'who did she want to shag tonight?'

So, being the complete moron that I am, I stop her mid rant and as her

'' what prick were you planning on shagging tonight? For which arsehole did you fix your eyes and shorten your skirt? ''

It came with a lot of venom and I wanted it that way.

She blinked and stared up to me. Her expression was sad and regretful and furious, I immediately felt something was wrong. A single tear spilt from her huge eyes and she slapped me so hard my entire head went backward. When I came to my senses and looked for her, she was already halfway up the stairs. ''IT WAS YOU, YOU STUPID WANKER'' she screamed and I realize she was full blown crying. Before I could react in any way I heard her door loudly slam shut.

Bloody hell.

_Forward three hours later. _

I am still sitting on the sofa in the common room. I'm waiting for her, although I don't know why. Dinner came and went, neither of us had gone. She never emerged back from her room. Al texted me to come down to our old common room to play chess but I never texted back. For the last three hours I have been sitting here, my head in my hands, trying to wrap my head around everything that had happened. She meant me.

After today, my mind is all hazy and jumbled up, but I came to an irretrievable, undeniable conclusion in the end. I love her.

Oh for the love of Merlin's soggy old left ball…I'm absolutely screwed.

_Forward one more hour._

It's three minutes after midnight and I'm fighting sleep in front of the dying fire on the rackety old sofa in the common room. Rose hasn't appeared yet, but I can't bring myself to leave this spot. There is a sound from upstairs and I jerk in that direction. She is standing on the top of the stairs, her eyes red.

''you're a wanker''

''I love you''

We both say at the same time. I look at her adoringly and pleadingly, and she just looks taken aback.

After a few moments, her face contorts in anger once again. She throws her arms in the air and looks at me in disbelief. ''This is so bloody typical! Just classic Scorpius Malfoy!''

She goes back to her room and slams the door again. I spend the entire night on the sofa.

_Forward to the next day._

''..and in the morning I found him sleeping on the sofa, so I woke him up and gave him what he deserved. Well…we all know he deserved more than a broken nose, a couple of bruises and a broken rib, but I decided to go easy on him. Anyway, when I finished I immediately brought him here, to the Hospital wing, and also, we're together now.'' Rose finished describing the events of the last couple hours in her business voice to the astounded Albus, Alice and madam Brown, who has seemingly forgotten to treat my injuries. All I could do was nod along and mumble though, as my mouth was full of blood.

The End


End file.
